When "Treat Yourself" Turns Toxic
How wonderful that the messages we hear online, from friends, and from (healthy) workplaces now include the importance of self-care.
We are hopefully making a shift into honoring our needs instead of running ourselves ragged. However, the notion of self-care has turned into its own sort of trend…to the point that it has become an excuse for unhealthy behaviors.
Spent too much at a department store? Self-care! Ate one too many cookies? Self-care! Got drinks instead of the gym? Self-care! It’s easy to call these things “self-care” because when we make those choices or indulge in splurges, it’s usually the mentality of “I deserve it…” taking over.
For example, you’ve had a long, stressful day. You’ve spent way more time at work than you want to and you’re not even getting any recognition for it. Your exhaustion has been building the whole day, week, or even month. Finally, you’ve hit your breaking point and decide it’s time to “treat yourself.” Why, then, after this “treat” [over-eating, over-spending, over-indulging of some kind] is the satisfaction temporary? And, more importantly, why do we need a “treat” quite regularly…sometimes even the same or next day?
Whether the trigger is work, home, or some combination of both, the underlying issues are often the same. The rationalizing and justifying that comes along with the “I deserve it” mentality means we not only tell ourselves that we need a break but that it’s ok if it’s not healthy because what we’re going through isn’t either.
Here’s the key: you do deserve it. You deserve relief and recognition. You deserve health and happiness. You deserve calm and connection. But over-indulging is not the “it” you deserve. It’s a short-term solution; it’s instant gratification for a much deeper underlying cause.
So what can we do? (1) If feeling run down, treat yourself by honoring your needs and (2) Take action to avoid feeling run down in the first place. Below are some pointers to get started on these two ideas.
Honor Your Needs
If you find yourself justifying unhealthy choices because you “deserve” over-indulgence, ask yourself what you really need. Is it connection? Is it a moment of calm? Is it relief? Identify the feeling you’re searching for and take action to really meet that need.
Take a bath, meditate, light a candle, call a friend, take a walk, paint, read a book, shut off your phone, practice yoga, breathe…the action does not have to be a major challenge. Try something to honor rather than ignore your needs.
Avoid Toxicity
The ultimate goal is to create a life that you don’t need to escape from. Doing the deeper work of discovering what is sending you into rationalizing toxicity in the first place will help you avoid giving up on your healthy goals.
We typically encounter patterns around our justifications. Try journaling about your needs every time you feel the “I deserve it” mentality coming on. Can you notice a theme about what is setting you into a cycle of toxic thinking? Try to discover the underlying needs rather than common situation. For example, one day the trigger may be your relationship with your partner and the next a long day at work, but maybe the thread between them is feeling inadequate.
