Understanding Attachment Styles and Building Secure Relationships
Allison Osmer, Masters Level Clinician
Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotional responses that develop in childhood and persist throughout our lives. Our current understanding of attachment emerged from Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsowth’s formulation of attachment theory, where they hypothesized that children with secure attachments have caregivers who are consistently responsive and emotionally available to meet their needs. Children with insecure attachments had caregivers who were inconsistent with responding to their needs or emotionally distant. The unpredictability in meeting their needs made these children either clingy and anxious or avoidant in their interactions with their caregivers and led to lower self-esteem.
Connecting Childhood Attachments to Adult Relationships
Since John Bowlby and Mary Ainthworth’s early research, our understanding of attachment styles has continued to grow. We now know that more than the relationship with primary caregivers influences adult attachment styles. Factors such as other significant relationships, temperament, genetics, trauma, and environmental influences can impact our adult attachment styles. Furthermore, we also realize there are a variety of attachment patterns, and insecure attachment styles have been further categorized into anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant. Broadly, each attachment style in adulthood is described as the following:
Secure Attachment: Individuals tend to view themselves and others positively. They are comfortable being vulnerable in relationships, can express their needs and trust that they can be met, and connect with others in a healthy way
Anxious Attachment: Individuals tend to be preoccupied with others and fear abandonment. They may seek excessive reassurance and have a strong desire for constant contact.
Avoidant Attachment: Individuals tend to be self-reliant. They may find opening up challenging and do not trust that others can meet their needs.
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style is a combination of both anxious and avoidant styles. Individuals with this tendency crave emotional closeness with others but fear getting too close and withdrawing from relationships.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
Short answer: yes, you can change. While our past relationships shape how we relate and form connections in the present, our attachment styles are not set in stone, and we are not destined to repeat unhelpful patterns forever. It can be helpful to think of attachment styles as more of an ingrained tendency than a static personality trait.
It often requires a lot of self-reflection and support from a therapist to understand how in ingrained pattern shows up and practicing ways to unlearn and relearn, but it is possible to shift into a healthier way of relating.
How to Cultivate Secure Attachments
While attachment styles are not set in stone, just like learning any new skill, it takes understanding and practice to learn new ways of relating with others. Some steps you can take to move towards a more secure attachment style include:
Develop self-reflection & awareness: Start by understanding your current attachment style. Reflect on your past relationships and how you typically respond to emotional situations. Consider seeking feedback from trusted friends or a therapist to gain insight into your attachment style.
Identify patterns: Learn what situations or triggers activate insecure attachment behaviors. These could be moments of jealousy, fear of abandonment, or difficulties expressing your emotions. Recognize patterns of behavior in your relationships that are related to your attachment style, such as withdrawing or becoming overly dependent.
Learn to cope with anxiety in relationships: At the core of attachment is our approach to managing our anxiety in relationships. When someone withdraws, they are seeking to soothe anxiety through avoidance. When someone seeks high levels of closeness, they seek to soothe anxiety through close contact and reassurance. People with secure attachment styles still experience anxiety within their relationships; however, the difference is in how they respond to their anxiety. Instead of withdrawing or excessively seeking reassurance, they can regulate their emotions, communicate their needs and boundaries, and seek support in a healthy way.
Practice vulnerability: People with secure attachment can be open and vulnerable with others. Practice sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted individuals and allow yourself to be emotionally honest.
Develop healthy boundaries: Set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships, including respecting your boundaries and those of others.
Reevaluate romantic partner selection & friendships: Our past experiences can influence our choice of partners, leading us to gravitate towards individuals who mirror dynamics from previous relationships, unconsciously. For instance, if you grew up with an emotionally distant caregiver, you might find yourself drawn to partners who also exhibit emotional avoidance, consequently triggering feelings of insecurity. Although our emotions are ultimately our responsibility, pursuing secure relationships with secure partners can contribute to a greater sense of security within the relationship.
Seek therapy: Consider working with a therapist or counselor. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your attachment history and develop healthier ways of relating to others.
Although our early experiences shape our attachment styles, many other factors shape who we are and how we relate to people. It's essential to recognize that attachment styles aren't fixed, and they have the potential to evolve with self-awareness, identifying patterns, skill building, and seeking support. By understanding your attachment style and its impact on your interactions with others, you can take steps to build more fulfilling and secure connections in your life.
