How to Improve Your Relationships with Nonviolent Communication

Petru Ilie, Masters Level Clinician

Have you ever felt frustrated, hurt, or angry by the way someone spoke to you? Have you ever regretted saying something harsh or hurtful to someone else? Have you ever wished you could communicate more effectively and peacefully with the people in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might benefit from learning about nonviolent communication (NVC).

What is Nonviolent Communication?

NVC is a way of communicating that focuses on empathy, compassion, and understanding. It helps you to express your genuine needs and feelings without blaming, judging, or criticizing others. It also helps you to listen to others with respect and curiosity, without taking things personally or reacting defensively.

NVC was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, based on his observation that human beings have an innate capacity for compassion, but often lose touch with it in the heat of conflict.

He made a critical discovery worth remembering: “When people use language that implies wrongness, fault, or blame, they tend to trigger defensiveness and resistance in others, which leads to more conflict and violence. On the other hand, when people use language that expresses their feelings and needs, and acknowledges the feelings and needs of others, they tend to create connection and cooperation, which leads to more harmony and peace.”

NVC is based on the premise that all human beings share the same universal needs, such as safety, belonging, autonomy, respect, and love. However, we may have different strategies or preferences for meeting those needs, which can sometimes clash with others. NVC helps us to identify our own needs and the needs of others, and to find ways to meet them that are mutually satisfying and respectful.

Benefits of Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication can be used in any situation where communication is important, such as intimate relationships, families, friendships, workplaces, schools, and other communities. It can help you to resolve conflicts, deepen connections, express yourself authentically, understand others better, and make requests that are more likely to be fulfilled.

NVC can help you to improve your relationships in many ways, such as:

• Reducing conflict and violence by fostering mutual understanding and respect.

• Increasing connection and intimacy by expressing and receiving empathy and compassion.

• Enhancing authenticity and self-expression by honoring your own and others' needs and feelings.

• Fostering cooperation and collaboration by finding win-win solutions that meet everyone's needs.

• Promoting personal growth and learning by expanding your awareness and perspective.

How to Practice Nonviolent Communication in 4 Steps

Nonviolent Communication consists of four steps: observation, feeling, need, and request. These steps can be used both to express yourself and to listen to others.

Step 1: Observation

The first step is to observe what is happening in the situation without adding any interpretation, evaluation, or judgment. For example, instead of saying "You are always late", you could say "You arrived 15 minutes after the agreed time". This way, you are stating a fact that both you and the other person can agree on, without implying any blame or criticism.

Step 2: Feeling

The second step is to identify and express how you are feeling in the situation, using words that describe emotions, not thoughts. For example, instead of saying "I feel like you don't care about me", you could say "I feel sad and lonely". This way, you are taking responsibility for your own feelings, without attributing them to the other person's actions or intentions.

Step 3: Need

The third step is to identify and express what need or value is behind your feeling, using words that describe universal human needs, not specific strategies or solutions. For example, instead of saying "I need you to be more punctual", you could say "I need reliability and respect". This way, you are connecting with your core motivation, without limiting yourself or the other person to one particular way of meeting it.

Step 4: Request

The fourth step is to make a clear and specific request of what you would like the other person to do or say, using positive and concrete language, not negative or vague language. For example, instead of saying "Don't be late again", you could say "Would you be willing to call me if you are running late next time?". This way, you are inviting the other person to collaborate with you, without demanding or coercing them.

Example of Nonviolent Communication in Practice

Here is an example of how to put these four steps together to express yourself using NVC: "I noticed that you arrived 15 minutes after the agreed time. (observation) I felt sad and lonely (feeling) because I value reliability and respect. (need) Would you be willing to call me if you are running late next time? (request)"

To listen to others using NVC, you can use the same four steps, but in reverse order. You can start by reflecting back the other person's request, then guessing their need, feeling, and observation. For example: "Are you asking me to call you if I am running late next time? (request) Is it because you value reliability and respect? (need) Are you feeling sad and lonely? (feeling) Did you notice that I arrived 15 minutes after the agreed time? (observation)."

By listening in this way, you are showing the other person that you are trying to understand them, without agreeing or disagreeing, approving or disapproving, advising or fixing. You are creating a space for empathy and dialogue, where both of you can express your needs and feelings, and find solutions that work for both of you. 

Go Try It Out

If you are hoping to improve your communication in relationships, try out these principles and see what comes of it! You might be surprised at what a huge difference a little wording change can make.

And if you would like to work on this skill with the help of a trained professional (or if you would like therapy for any other reason), our master’s level clinicians have affordable online therapy/sliding scale therapy openings, and would love to meet you. Please reach out!