Understanding Our Relationship with Anger
Allison Osmer, Masters Level Clinician
What associations do you have with anger? Do you perceive anger as a "positive" or "negative" emotion? Are you comfortable expressing your anger, or do you feel compelled to conceal it and remain silent? Exploring these questions will provide insight into your relationship with anger and help you understand how your experiences have shaped your connection with anger. The more self-awareness and understanding we have of our anger, the more empowered we can feel to develop better responses to our anger.
What is Anger?
Anger is a normal emotion that emerges when we perceive threats, injustices, or frustrations. It serves as a natural response to wrongdoing, violation of personal values, boundary violations, or unfulfilled desires. However, our reactions to anger often take counterproductive paths. We may lash out at others, projecting our anger onto them. Alternatively, we may internalize it, directing our anger inward and turning it against ourselves. While these responses may provide temporary relief, they ultimately prove ineffective and harmful to our overall well-being and the quality of our relationships in the long term. It can instead be helpful to understand our anger and learn anger management approaches in order to find effective ways of processing, expressing, and moving through our emotions.
Becoming Curious about Anger
If you notice yourself feeling angry, try becoming curious about why that emotion is coming up for you. Like any emotion, anger can be informative and important to listen to rather than impulsively reacting or suppressing it. Take a pause, name the emotion, and ask yourself some of these questions:
Why am I feeling angry right now?
Did I witness/experience an injustice or wrongdoing?
Did I not get something I wanted?
Did someone violate my values or boundaries? Did I violate one of my own values or boundaries?
Do I believe that it is okay to be angry in this situation?
How do I want to respond to my anger? Do I need to take some sort of action? What are the consequences of taking action? What are the consequences of not taking action?
These are just a few questions you can ask yourself when you notice anger arising within yourself. Having a clearer understanding of why you feel angry, and how you want to respond to that anger, will help you understand how to move forward. If you find yourself feeling stuck, discussing and processing your anger with a trusted friend or therapist can prove helpful in finding effective strategies.
Coping with Anger
As you begin to understand your anger, one step toward anger management is to recognize the somatic signs of anger. As with any emotion, our bodies often give us clues and insights into how we’re feeling and what we need. If you can recognize the early signs of emerging anger, it can support you with coping with the anger and expressing it in ways that feel aligned for you.
Recognize your early warning signs that anger is emerging: How does your body let you know you’re angry? Here are some possible somatic signs of anger: feeling hot, racing heart, sweaty palms, tension, racing thoughts, physical impulsivity, restlessness, urgency/rushed pace of movement, fast or shallow breathing.
Practice mindfulness to regulate: In order to feel empowered to express your anger in a way that feels aligned, using mindfulness to first regulate and ground can be helpful. Practice deep breathing, use nonjudgmental thoughts, notice your physical symptoms, notice your feelings, notice your thoughts.
Release anger: Using movements, words, and energy to release your anger can be one way of expressing your anger. Safely releasing the tension and energy (perhaps by running, jumping, walking, shaking) or writing out your thoughts and feelings are a few ideas to help release your anger.
Notice patterns around your anger: Again, anger is information. See if you can notice trends or patterns around your anger. If there are common triggers, that may be a sign boundaries are needed. Also, take note of what feels helpful and unhelpful when trying to express and cope with anger.
In general, acknowledging and understanding anger allows us to foster a better relationship with ourselves and others. By recognizing our triggers to anger, understanding our anger as an informative emotion, and examining our comfort level with expressing it, we can develop healthier ways of addressing anger and nurture more fulfilling relationships with others and ourselves. Embracing curiosity towards our anger empowers us to discover more impactful methods of responding to it, aligning our actions with the person we want to be.
If you feel it’d be helpful to learn more about coping with anger, reach out as our therapists and coaches can help you understand your anger, learn tools to regulate and cope with your anger, and improve your relationship to your emotions.
